Day 25

Every where I go lately I get this sense of familiarity, particularly with people as they pass me by. All of them, to my knowledge, are strangers, yet I can't help but get this feeling that I have met them before, that these people have been apart of my life in some way or another. It's weird, and it doesn't happen with everyone but when it does I get this overwhelming sense that our paths have crossed before. I can tell these people don't feel the same way about me, because as I stare at them trying to remember how I know them, they look past me as if I don't exist. How strange, knowing that these people are imprinting my life while they continue to casually go about their business, never thinking twice or even noticing my existence. It's this strange sense of deja vu and ever since I was admitted to the hospital, this feeling follows me wherever I go. Whether it is in familiar territories or not, I can't help but recognize the faces of these strangers. I am getting two more rolls of film developed today and I hope they come out okay. Not only for my sake, but for Toms as well. I know he was curious about a few of the shots and I don't want to let him down. I like the random and mysteriousness that lies within each roll of exposed film. Half of the mystery comes from me forgetting the photos I took, but also the subtle differences in each way the film comes out. I have no idea how each picture is going to turn out, or even, if each picture is going to turn out. One of the rolls of film I used was new while the other was probably expired. Oh well, the last roll of expired film I used was fine so hopefully this one will be okay as well. Once the weather gets better I am going to take some shots with my nicer film camera that I finally got back from my aunts house. Although the natural light from the shitty weather would make the pictures turn out alright, I don't want to risk ruining my camera in the rain. I have had such low energy the past few days I am starting to think something is wrong with me. I took my blood pressure at Walmart today and it was incredibly low. I think I need to start relying so much on the Chlonodine now that I am not withdrawing anymore, and just take the melatonin around bedtime. It is making me feel drowsy throughout the day and that has been adding to my depression. I watched Stand By Me this morning and I now realize why Buckles loves the movie so much. Corey Feldman, even though he was only about 14 in the movie, was such a babe and his character, Teddy, was my favorite character. "I don't need a babysitter", he screams has one of his friends tries to pull him away from the train track as the train is coming and Teddy wants to play a game of chicken. That scene stuck with me for some reason, and Teddy's complete lack of emotion and reason towards the train was emotional. I never had a childhood like that of those boys, and I found it interesting how the end of the movie was also the end of the groups friendship. That's how it is as that age. Whether you have a ton of things in common with your childhood friends or not, eventually you seek something different and you slowly drift apart from those friends. Currently in my life I am not friends with anyone from either middle school or high school and there is apart of me that always feels a sense of sadness for not trying harder, or keeping in touch with anyone. I always blame it on how I was so different from the people I went to school with, but that is just an immature way of viewing myself as better than those people. In fact, I haven't kept in touch with anyone over the years. Part of that has to do with drugs, and part of that has to do with my innate desire of always wanting more, but either way I am aware of how upset it makes me at times. I am lonely and constantly unfulfilled with my own life.

Today Is A Very Bad Day

Today I feel incredibly lonely. I feel bored out of my mind even though I know that there are hundreds of things that I could have done today, I just didn't have the energy to do anything. I finally got around to cleaning the bathroom upstairs and taking my laundry out of the dryer. Big things. Tomorrow I am meeting up with that kid Tom in Morristown but I am nervous because I don't really understand how to use my dads camera and I feel like I am going to be a huge disappoint to him. Not like it matters anyway because he is going back to school on Sunday so it's not like we are going to become friends. Pat works so much so I cant even hang out with him this weekend. Keeping my fingers crossed that my brother gets out of jail tomorrow so I have someone to play with, sober. I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I try to make myself feel good by telling myself these small accomplishments are meaningful, yet on days like today I just feel awful about myself. I feel as though I may be stuck in this rut forever and it is depressing. Everything about my life is depressing. My mom is literally insane, doing drugs, drinking, going out with creepy men and hanging out with 23 year old girls. My brother is a heroin addict who is in jail and my dad is trying so desperately to keep it all together for us, but I can see him falling apart. We are sick and we are tired and I am starting to learn that life just isn't fun for everyone. How can I go from feeling so great to feeling so awful, so quickly? It's cold and I have no energy to even go outside, let alone take a shower. Although after this rant I am going to force myself into the shower that I just spent twenty minutes cleaning. I also miss Arty. I hate that I see him talk about girls on his facebook and I hate that he wants nothing to do with me. I hate that he never even thinks about me and I hate the fact that Alex is moving back and they are going to go out and date a bunch of girls together. I hate that I allow myself to think about him as much as I do. I hate it. I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't want to meet anyone else because I want to be able to get over him on my own without another person posing as some sort of distraction. I hate the person that I am right now and I just want to be better without doing any work. I want to take my entire bottle of Ativan and just not wake up but I know I wont do that because I do have hope. I have hope that one day I will have my shit figured out and everything will fall into place, but until that day comes I sit here, alone, at my parents house trying so desperately to find some solitude in anything. I have all these big dreams of making a small web series with Pat but I doubt that we will ever get around to it. He has a life. He is busy. We are not dating and I already see what the future holds for us. Me trying so hard to hang out with him but him not actually wanting anything to do with me anymore because we don't hook up. I am paranoid and I am scared and I want to be able to tell someone all of these feelings I have but I have no one and trying to do this all by yourself is really hard and it's not therapeutic. I want to go to a therapist but I don't want my dad to have to pay for it because its expensive and I feel like he thinks its unnecessary. Why couldn't I have graduated college like everyone else from my grade? Maybe I should have joined a sorority like the rest of them and sold out. Would I be happy then? Would I even be able to realize I was sad because I would have all these distractions? Who knows. And frankly, who even cares. I want to lay my head on Buckles right now but I know that is a wrong thought to have because I cant rely on someone else to make me feel better. I am living in a paradox. I know I can only rely on myself to be happy, yet, I need someone to help me get there. I just want this anxious feeling to finally leave my body so I can be free from these unnecessary emotions, but it's been three weeks and I still feel the symptoms of withdrawal. I miss Arty. I miss Arty. I miss Arty. Obviously my anti-depressants aren't working and at least with the Celexa I felt a change. Effexor leaves me feeling empty and it takes away my natural energy. I don't want to be a normal person but I want to have normal tendencies. I want someone to love me. I want to be capable of love again. I want to be an empty slate so I can try again, teach myself from the beginning but do it the right way. I wish there were do overs because I would do so many things differently so I can avoid feeling the constant pain I feel each and every day.

Day 21

Buckles doesn't really answer my phone calls anymore and I am not sure if I am upset about it or not. I had a really great day with Pat today and I realized that maybe, right now, this is the place for me. I know that their is an entire world going on around me, and I may be missing out on something big and great, but maybe there isn't any harm in staying at home for a while, getting a job and saving up some money. I have Pat and myself and right now I am pretty satisfied with those two things. I have been taking a bunch of unnecessary pictures, trying to figure out the best way to use this point and shoot camera from the 80's. I might be annoying about it, but it makes me happy and when I get a roll of film developed there is always a part of me that is happy with the outcome. There is a small part of me that will always feel some type of let down, like the pictures are meaningless to everyone else around me. But that's okay, because they should be. These photos are not for them. They are for me, about the current state of mind that I am in. I find it interesting that I am able to track my mood both in the written form and also through a visual art, such as film. Today Pat and I sat in a pizza place for like an hour, left in a hurry singing Wrecking Ball and then half way out of the parking lot realized that we never payed for our pizza, so we went back. Honestly, if it was up to me I wouldn't have gone back. I would have accidentally forgot to pay but when I realized what happened, I would not have turned back. This is why Pat is so great. He forced us to go back, and we paid. The employees were pleasantly surprised and a customer who was waiting for her food thanked us for our good behavior. Because the fact of the matter is most people wouldn't have gone back to pay. Most people would have realized that they forgot to pay and then thought to themselves "Oh well, it's too late now. We got away with it." And it is that exact mindset that has lead me to the place where I am now. I treated both myself and others so poorly for all these years because I would continuously get away with it. I never take responsibility for my actions and I always end up blaming others for my mistakes. That is what is going on between Buckles and I right now. I am blaming him for not letting me come back to Boston and live with him. I am blaming him for not taking responsibility for my actions. I am blaming him for not wanting to take care of me anymore. And frankly, that is not fair. I am immature in so many ways and that frustrates me. It frustrates me that I know I use people and when I don't get what I want from them, I leave; disappearing without a trace because they wouldn't break their back to try and make me happy. Today made me realize that it is possible to do fun things without spending any money in this town. Walking around Buddy's Big Lots for the first time today was so much fun. The only thing we bought was Hott Sauce and it wasn't even my purchase, but we spent about two hours going throughout the entire store, memorizing their inventory. And I was sober. And I had fun. Pat and I are going to develop some skits and hopefully actually execute them because this is something that I am really passionate about and I truly believe we have good ideas. We have a fetish skit that we are working on where we try and find our perfect fetish. We have a hip hop baby skit, where we rap about being a dumb baby. We are making a commercial about cutting your pants into shorts when it gets hott, and then sewing your pants back on when it gets cold. We have an idea about a narcissistic mantra and also a few other things up our sleeves that I am excited to work on. I doubt we will get noticed, but if I can actually successfully design, create and finish something like this I will be incredibly impressed with my ability to stick with something. I haven't stuck with anything in my life, and I am pretty sure it is that attitude that has gotten me to the place where I am at now. There are so many things to learn and create in this world, that I should never spend a second feeling bored. I should challenge myself more, and find more outlets to let out some of my build up energy and frustration because I am genuinely enjoying the person that I am turning into. I am smart and I am funny but more importantly I am a capable human being that can accomplish anything as long as I stick with it long enough. I want to go to bed every night feeling good about my day, and although that is not necessarily my reality right now, that doesn't mean that it won't happen in the future. I am learning to let go of some of the things that have held be back for so long, and in a way, I feel free. I have this privilege of freedom that will allow me to do anything I want to do. As long as I learn to let go, accept change and move on. Day dreaming about my past experiences, or being with people who no longer want to be with me is a toxic in my body that will only hinder my growth. I feel comfortable saying, that although there are still things that I miss and people I want to spend time with, I am slowly realizing how important it is to sometimes say goodbye and never look back.

Why the Golden Girls Matter

Blanche. Dorothy. Sophia. Rose. I was about eight years old when I first turned on the TV hoping that Nick-at-Night hadn't started yet because I knew that I would be unable to watch my cartoons. Realizing that it was too late, and I should probably just go to bed, I almost gave up on the television all together. But I didn't. First site of these four, independent women intrigued me. I was curious, as an eight year old, why a bunch of older women were on the television screen, when I could instead be watching Rugrats. But I didn't change the channel. I was hooked. Even though I was only eight years old, I understood most of the jokes and genuinely enjoyed the sitcoms campy story line. It wasn't until years later I realized the positive impact that show had on both my personal well being and development as a female. It pushed through the basic, masculine, patriarchal system that most television shows did not address. Yet, as a growing child, my subconscious mind appreciated the strong female leads as role models. It didn't take long to realize the underlying feminist messages The Golden Girls was broadcasting all over television. And I couldn't have been the only small child up a little past her bedtime, experiencing this sense of power and discovery for the first time. No, this was a show that, through the ages, has stood the test of time and is still being played on cable television to this day because it still has not lost its relevancy. Each character had a quirky personality trait that one of the other housemates would always tease, but never, would a housemate ask another one of her female roommates to change. Never would they try and tear each other down. Instead, they relied on each other to make it through the day and, ultimately, be their "happily ever after." A love story about four "sisters" who, through the test of time, will always be able to rely on each other. Below is a break down of each character and how they helped shape me over the years:

1. Blanche: Oh Blanche! A beautiful, older, independent women with a quirky and bossy demeanor about her that makes all the men go crazy. She doesn't let a man walk all over her and she uses her sexual side to help her obtain exactly what she wants, sex. And that is okay! It is completely normal for a women to desire sex from either the opposite or same sex all while being healthy and mindful about it. Women are taught at such an early age to repress their own sexual desires and by the time they reach puberty, they either don't understand that it is okay to tell a boy no, or they never explore themselves within which can potentially lead to a life of unsatisfied sexual experiences. But not Blanche, she stands strong and pushes the misogynists to the side and goes after what she wants. The best part about Blanche, though, is her independence. Sure, does she always have a man around, waiting somewhere in the depths of her bedroom sheets? Yes. But that's because she wants him there not because she has to have him. And that's important. Females do not need men in order to be happy, and vice versa. People need to find happiness within themselves before they can share it with others and Blanche proves just that.

2. Dorothy: Someone who taught me to never let others bring you down. People should be able to act and feel however they want without being worried that others are going to say something to try and tear them apart. Although Dorothy is the butt of most of the girls jokes (besides Rose) she never takes what they say to heart and always stays true to herself. She is caring, and although she always jokes about bringing her mother back to Shady Pines, she knows in her heart that she wouldn't be able to break her family bond. Dorothy understands the value of family, and that sometimes things have to be uncomfortable for a while in order to take care of the people we love. Her children occasionally visit, and she still tries and keeps a semi-healthy relationship with her ex-husband Stan. She is witty, strong minded and very opinionated; all traits in which I looked up to her for that. All character traits that, to this day, I respect. Girls need to realize that they can be both beautiful and intelligent and still be happy, whether they have a man or woman in their life or not. Do you people, and others will eventually follow.

3.Sophia: Growing up, I had the mother from hell. She was loud, abusive, an alcoholic and drug addict that had no concern for either her children or her husband. She was selfish and set in her ways, never taking responsibility for her actions and always the first to blame everyone else for theirs. Sophia, however, was not this mother. Watching the way Sophia allowed Dorothy to continue to grow even in her later years was heart warming and inspirational. Since I didn't really have a mother of my own, I inspired to be like Sophia one day, caring and witty. But Sophia went beyond that, she allowed Dorothy to make the mistakes that she once had to make her self so she can teach Dorothy that, once you get out to the other side, everything will be alright. Sure, Sophia's sarcastic tendencies can prove to be a bit overplayed and unnecessary at times, but that's what make her character so strong. Here is this 80 year old women, kicking back, eating cheesecake and making jokes with her daughter and her best friends. Her life is great even though her husband died years ago. She relies on herself and sometimes is stubborn about asking for help even when it's necessary, but that hyper-prideful personality is what got her where she is today. Sitting in her living room, making fun of Dorothy's height, watching Blanche come in and out of the front door, and trying to avoid making fun of anything Rose says about St. Olaf.

Rose: And then, there was rose. Rose was always my favorite character for so many reasons. Her genuine passion and optimism in life was contagious and she had a heart of gold. At the drop of a hat she would have done anything for her "sisters", not because she was trying to gain their affection, but because she knew she already had their love and wanted to reciprocate it back. Rose comes from a small town somewhere near Minnesota called St. Olaf, and her small town ties really brings out the best in her personality. She can almost relate everything back to the place where she grew up, and even though the girls get slightly hardhearted about all the St. Olaf talk, they listen to what she has to say before jumping down her throat. Rose, has always been my favorite character. I see a lot of the same characteristics in her, that I do in me, and she taught me to never try to be someone your not. I dress weird, I am quirky and loud, I talk non-stop very fast and I always wear my heart on my sleeve. I am emotional and demanding but passionate about the things I love. And if I love you, I will do anything for you. I am loyal and loving and I make sarcastic jokes all the time because sometimes that makes things easier to deal with. And that's what I see in Rose. I see Rose holding onto the idea of St. Olaf in anyway she can because she doesn't want to forget. She doesn't want to lose these wonderful memories she once had, so she brings them to the girls to pass down a bit of her childhood. She wants the girls to hold onto some of her memories because they mean so much to her that she can't help but share her time spent milking three cows and a dozen goats each night before bed. And that's why Rose is great. Because she not only loves her past and her present situation, but because she wants to combine the both of them together so she can stay living in this fantasy world. Because that's okay. Because Rose is happy.