Day 21

Buckles doesn't really answer my phone calls anymore and I am not sure if I am upset about it or not. I had a really great day with Pat today and I realized that maybe, right now, this is the place for me. I know that their is an entire world going on around me, and I may be missing out on something big and great, but maybe there isn't any harm in staying at home for a while, getting a job and saving up some money. I have Pat and myself and right now I am pretty satisfied with those two things. I have been taking a bunch of unnecessary pictures, trying to figure out the best way to use this point and shoot camera from the 80's. I might be annoying about it, but it makes me happy and when I get a roll of film developed there is always a part of me that is happy with the outcome. There is a small part of me that will always feel some type of let down, like the pictures are meaningless to everyone else around me. But that's okay, because they should be. These photos are not for them. They are for me, about the current state of mind that I am in. I find it interesting that I am able to track my mood both in the written form and also through a visual art, such as film. Today Pat and I sat in a pizza place for like an hour, left in a hurry singing Wrecking Ball and then half way out of the parking lot realized that we never payed for our pizza, so we went back. Honestly, if it was up to me I wouldn't have gone back. I would have accidentally forgot to pay but when I realized what happened, I would not have turned back. This is why Pat is so great. He forced us to go back, and we paid. The employees were pleasantly surprised and a customer who was waiting for her food thanked us for our good behavior. Because the fact of the matter is most people wouldn't have gone back to pay. Most people would have realized that they forgot to pay and then thought to themselves "Oh well, it's too late now. We got away with it." And it is that exact mindset that has lead me to the place where I am now. I treated both myself and others so poorly for all these years because I would continuously get away with it. I never take responsibility for my actions and I always end up blaming others for my mistakes. That is what is going on between Buckles and I right now. I am blaming him for not letting me come back to Boston and live with him. I am blaming him for not taking responsibility for my actions. I am blaming him for not wanting to take care of me anymore. And frankly, that is not fair. I am immature in so many ways and that frustrates me. It frustrates me that I know I use people and when I don't get what I want from them, I leave; disappearing without a trace because they wouldn't break their back to try and make me happy. Today made me realize that it is possible to do fun things without spending any money in this town. Walking around Buddy's Big Lots for the first time today was so much fun. The only thing we bought was Hott Sauce and it wasn't even my purchase, but we spent about two hours going throughout the entire store, memorizing their inventory. And I was sober. And I had fun. Pat and I are going to develop some skits and hopefully actually execute them because this is something that I am really passionate about and I truly believe we have good ideas. We have a fetish skit that we are working on where we try and find our perfect fetish. We have a hip hop baby skit, where we rap about being a dumb baby. We are making a commercial about cutting your pants into shorts when it gets hott, and then sewing your pants back on when it gets cold. We have an idea about a narcissistic mantra and also a few other things up our sleeves that I am excited to work on. I doubt we will get noticed, but if I can actually successfully design, create and finish something like this I will be incredibly impressed with my ability to stick with something. I haven't stuck with anything in my life, and I am pretty sure it is that attitude that has gotten me to the place where I am at now. There are so many things to learn and create in this world, that I should never spend a second feeling bored. I should challenge myself more, and find more outlets to let out some of my build up energy and frustration because I am genuinely enjoying the person that I am turning into. I am smart and I am funny but more importantly I am a capable human being that can accomplish anything as long as I stick with it long enough. I want to go to bed every night feeling good about my day, and although that is not necessarily my reality right now, that doesn't mean that it won't happen in the future. I am learning to let go of some of the things that have held be back for so long, and in a way, I feel free. I have this privilege of freedom that will allow me to do anything I want to do. As long as I learn to let go, accept change and move on. Day dreaming about my past experiences, or being with people who no longer want to be with me is a toxic in my body that will only hinder my growth. I feel comfortable saying, that although there are still things that I miss and people I want to spend time with, I am slowly realizing how important it is to sometimes say goodbye and never look back.