Today I feel incredibly lonely. I feel bored out of my mind even though I know that there are hundreds of things that I could have done today, I just didn't have the energy to do anything. I finally got around to cleaning the bathroom upstairs and taking my laundry out of the dryer. Big things. Tomorrow I am meeting up with that kid Tom in Morristown but I am nervous because I don't really understand how to use my dads camera and I feel like I am going to be a huge disappoint to him. Not like it matters anyway because he is going back to school on Sunday so it's not like we are going to become friends. Pat works so much so I cant even hang out with him this weekend. Keeping my fingers crossed that my brother gets out of jail tomorrow so I have someone to play with, sober. I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I try to make myself feel good by telling myself these small accomplishments are meaningful, yet on days like today I just feel awful about myself. I feel as though I may be stuck in this rut forever and it is depressing. Everything about my life is depressing. My mom is literally insane, doing drugs, drinking, going out with creepy men and hanging out with 23 year old girls. My brother is a heroin addict who is in jail and my dad is trying so desperately to keep it all together for us, but I can see him falling apart. We are sick and we are tired and I am starting to learn that life just isn't fun for everyone. How can I go from feeling so great to feeling so awful, so quickly? It's cold and I have no energy to even go outside, let alone take a shower. Although after this rant I am going to force myself into the shower that I just spent twenty minutes cleaning. I also miss Arty. I hate that I see him talk about girls on his facebook and I hate that he wants nothing to do with me. I hate that he never even thinks about me and I hate the fact that Alex is moving back and they are going to go out and date a bunch of girls together. I hate that I allow myself to think about him as much as I do. I hate it. I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't want to meet anyone else because I want to be able to get over him on my own without another person posing as some sort of distraction. I hate the person that I am right now and I just want to be better without doing any work. I want to take my entire bottle of Ativan and just not wake up but I know I wont do that because I do have hope. I have hope that one day I will have my shit figured out and everything will fall into place, but until that day comes I sit here, alone, at my parents house trying so desperately to find some solitude in anything. I have all these big dreams of making a small web series with Pat but I doubt that we will ever get around to it. He has a life. He is busy. We are not dating and I already see what the future holds for us. Me trying so hard to hang out with him but him not actually wanting anything to do with me anymore because we don't hook up. I am paranoid and I am scared and I want to be able to tell someone all of these feelings I have but I have no one and trying to do this all by yourself is really hard and it's not therapeutic. I want to go to a therapist but I don't want my dad to have to pay for it because its expensive and I feel like he thinks its unnecessary. Why couldn't I have graduated college like everyone else from my grade? Maybe I should have joined a sorority like the rest of them and sold out. Would I be happy then? Would I even be able to realize I was sad because I would have all these distractions? Who knows. And frankly, who even cares. I want to lay my head on Buckles right now but I know that is a wrong thought to have because I cant rely on someone else to make me feel better. I am living in a paradox. I know I can only rely on myself to be happy, yet, I need someone to help me get there. I just want this anxious feeling to finally leave my body so I can be free from these unnecessary emotions, but it's been three weeks and I still feel the symptoms of withdrawal. I miss Arty. I miss Arty. I miss Arty. Obviously my anti-depressants aren't working and at least with the Celexa I felt a change. Effexor leaves me feeling empty and it takes away my natural energy. I don't want to be a normal person but I want to have normal tendencies. I want someone to love me. I want to be capable of love again. I want to be an empty slate so I can try again, teach myself from the beginning but do it the right way. I wish there were do overs because I would do so many things differently so I can avoid feeling the constant pain I feel each and every day.
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