Day 25

Every where I go lately I get this sense of familiarity, particularly with people as they pass me by. All of them, to my knowledge, are strangers, yet I can't help but get this feeling that I have met them before, that these people have been apart of my life in some way or another. It's weird, and it doesn't happen with everyone but when it does I get this overwhelming sense that our paths have crossed before. I can tell these people don't feel the same way about me, because as I stare at them trying to remember how I know them, they look past me as if I don't exist. How strange, knowing that these people are imprinting my life while they continue to casually go about their business, never thinking twice or even noticing my existence. It's this strange sense of deja vu and ever since I was admitted to the hospital, this feeling follows me wherever I go. Whether it is in familiar territories or not, I can't help but recognize the faces of these strangers. I am getting two more rolls of film developed today and I hope they come out okay. Not only for my sake, but for Toms as well. I know he was curious about a few of the shots and I don't want to let him down. I like the random and mysteriousness that lies within each roll of exposed film. Half of the mystery comes from me forgetting the photos I took, but also the subtle differences in each way the film comes out. I have no idea how each picture is going to turn out, or even, if each picture is going to turn out. One of the rolls of film I used was new while the other was probably expired. Oh well, the last roll of expired film I used was fine so hopefully this one will be okay as well. Once the weather gets better I am going to take some shots with my nicer film camera that I finally got back from my aunts house. Although the natural light from the shitty weather would make the pictures turn out alright, I don't want to risk ruining my camera in the rain. I have had such low energy the past few days I am starting to think something is wrong with me. I took my blood pressure at Walmart today and it was incredibly low. I think I need to start relying so much on the Chlonodine now that I am not withdrawing anymore, and just take the melatonin around bedtime. It is making me feel drowsy throughout the day and that has been adding to my depression. I watched Stand By Me this morning and I now realize why Buckles loves the movie so much. Corey Feldman, even though he was only about 14 in the movie, was such a babe and his character, Teddy, was my favorite character. "I don't need a babysitter", he screams has one of his friends tries to pull him away from the train track as the train is coming and Teddy wants to play a game of chicken. That scene stuck with me for some reason, and Teddy's complete lack of emotion and reason towards the train was emotional. I never had a childhood like that of those boys, and I found it interesting how the end of the movie was also the end of the groups friendship. That's how it is as that age. Whether you have a ton of things in common with your childhood friends or not, eventually you seek something different and you slowly drift apart from those friends. Currently in my life I am not friends with anyone from either middle school or high school and there is apart of me that always feels a sense of sadness for not trying harder, or keeping in touch with anyone. I always blame it on how I was so different from the people I went to school with, but that is just an immature way of viewing myself as better than those people. In fact, I haven't kept in touch with anyone over the years. Part of that has to do with drugs, and part of that has to do with my innate desire of always wanting more, but either way I am aware of how upset it makes me at times. I am lonely and constantly unfulfilled with my own life.