A Mad Decent Day

Nope, I haven't listened to Mad Decent in about three years and tonight is not the night that I am going to start back up. Today, however, was a mad decent day. Drug free and no cravings. My face is hott to the touch and slightly flushed at this point of the night, however, that just must be my bodies way of fighting off yet another infection. I listened to my parents fight all day and I watched my mom slowly and steadily continue to lose her mind, but these are the things that I can expect when I am at home. I did a few productive things today though and because of that I feel really good about myself. My dad, Uncle John and I put my room back together, so I am unpacked and know have access to not only my clothing but my bed as well. Although I just remembered that I forgot to wash my sheets today, so I will have to sleep in my brothers bed again. Oh well, that gives me something to do tomorrow. Laundry. I know these are small hurtles but doing normal things that most people have to do every single day sober is a huge accomplishment for me and I can honestly say that today I was proud of myself. I got to play with a few film cameras today and I am actually excited to take more pictures tomorrow and hopefully get my expired roll of film developed from Walgreens. It was fun getting to "test shoot" an entire roll of 24 exposures today. I live in the suburbs in a small townhouse so I had to find images that were both creative and inspiring in such a small area so the challenge kept me occupied. I am curious and hopeful that the film I used will develop and some of the shots I took will be keepers. If not, though, I bought four new rolls of 200 speed film and I know that the pictures I take with that will show up. On the drive home from Walmart today I even found open fields and abandoned cars that I cant wait to go and check out tomorrow with my camera. I also drew a small, stupid comic about the buldge in boys pants because someone on my Facebook news feed posted a video of boys in briefs shotgunning beers. It was inspirational to say the least, but not in the "I need a beer way." For the first time in a while I could romanticize drinking and not want to partake in it myself and for that I am also proud of myself. I want to get better and I want to learn self control and the only way to do that is to take my days hour by hour and not let my mind wander to drinking and or drugs. I like myself sober. I am funny. I am smart. But more importantly I am capable. I am capable of waking up in the morning at a reasonable hour and get things done before noon. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment at 3:00 PM and my goal for the morning is to work out and do my laundry. I didn't work out today and it was honestly because I didn't want to not because I didn't have time. I need to change that because as much as I want to spend my day doing things I enjoy, I also need to spend some portion of the day doing things I don't enjoy. My dad just went upstairs and yelled at my dog because he is old and he can't hold his pee and my dad just finished renovating my new room and my dog wants to mark his territory. Listening to my 14 year old dog yelp and scream because my dad was punishing him almost brought tears to my eyes but I also think its a build up of a lot of repressed emotions from today. Its hard to be around my mom and its even harder being around my dad when he reaches his breaking point and today was that day. He barely has any money and he is forced to stay in a loveless marriage to a crazy, ignorant and undeserving women. The worst part is I cant even talk to anyone about her because I told everyone that my mom died. I told everyone that my mom died because I want her to be dead. It's horrible to say that about another human being and I understand that this weight that I carry around his harmful to both my health and my recovery, but it's true. She brings no good to this world. She produces hate and emotion and abuse and hurts the people around her and everyone knows that it will be easier if she just wasn't hear anymore. But we learn from a very early age that these thoughts are negative and hurtful and that we shouldn't think them but sometimes I feel this innate surge course through my body as I try and prevent these thoughts from surfacing but no matter how hard I try I can't have them disappear. And I think it's because there is a part of me that doesn't want them to go away because I know they are true. That hurts me even more. Knowing that the person who gave birth to me will never accomplish anything in her life and she will never, ever get better until the day she dies because she does not want to. She does not see herself as a threat nor does she have the ability to look at herself and see that there are so many things wrong. She will never stop drinking and because of that she will never get better. I look at her for inspiration though because I know that I will never, ever want to become that person. And I know that I never will.