Day 21

It's been 21 days exactly ( 3 weeks) and I have felt pretty awful the past two days. I have been trying out this new medication and I don't even know why I waste my time. I don't like it. I don't want to be on an anti-depressant, and this one particularly is leaving me with this undeniable feeling of emptiness. I called my doctor yesterday to tell him and he once again gave me some text book response about how its probably caused from withdrawing from Chlonodine. Little does he know I haven't been taking four Chlonodine a day as prescribed so there is no way I am withdrawing from that. I just haven't felt too good the past two days. Like there is nothing to look forward too. I was really looking forward to going back to Boston and staying with Buckles but he is doing exactly what I knew he would do. He has, once again, told me I could do something and then suddenly change his mind. I'm not going to call him for a few days, give him some space, maybe some time to miss me. I don't know what I will do if I can't go back to Boston as planned. There really aren't any opportunities here for me. I need to start thinking about other options, and soon. Maybe I can move to Texas with Pat. That would be fun. Not only an entire new city, but an entire new lifestyle. Leave everything I once knew behind and start my life fresh. That's ultimately what I am doing now anyways. I am clean. I am sober. And no matter where I go, or who I hang out with from my past they will always associate me with being a drug addict. And whether or not that is a fair accusation, it is the reality of my situation. If I move to a completely new place, where no one knows me, I will have a real chance for things to be different. Either way I need to figure out something to do for work, and something to continue to occupy me during my days. I would love to be outside all day, but the weather is still brutally cold and windy and that causes a lot of frustration. I did my taxes yesterday, so in a few weeks I should be expecting about 500 dollars. That's not too bad, I at least can do something with that money, Maybe I should look for places in Philadelphia again. It's so cheap and so close. I just wish Zane responded to my Facebook message. Even a polite no would have be a sufficient answer. That is my one pet peeve. Feeling or being ignored. I don't know if that is rooted in a self-esteem issue or if I just genuinely find it rude when someone ignores me, but either way it frustrates and upsets me. I really do try not to worry about what others think about me, and over the past few years that quality trait has manifested into a reality, but sometimes I just get frustrated when people don't respond to such simple requests. This new medicine makes my eyes feel like they keep shaking back and forth, and I don't have much energy nor do I have the desire to do anything. Hence, why I am forcing myself to get off the couch and ramble right now. Last night I went to my first NA meeting in a really long time, and I admit, I really enjoyed myself. I wish it wasn't only on Tuesday nights, and I wish there were more in the area because I would love to try and go to one every night. I have nothing else to do and it really is a positive environment. It's funny how stubborn I am about going to these meetings and giving it a chance because if you listen to any persons first experience with NA they will say the exact same thing. I am so stuck on the idea that I am different from everyone else in there, that they can't possibly understand me and that we have nothing in common. But the fact of the matter is, is that we have everything in common. Sure, my daily habits an hobbies differ from theirs but we are are all apart of the same battle. The same battle for sobriety and finding piece of mind on our own time. I saw Zach Kest and Jordan Erling last night and that was a nice little way to have a high-school reunion. NA; bringing your high school class together so your reunion doesn't have too. I chatted with Zach for a bit after and then I met some other kid that this girl Taylor (who I worked with at Mamma's Pizza) was friends with. He called me a rugid hipster and instantly assumed I was a Gemini so we hit it off pretty great. Hopefully he texts me to ask to hang out because I would love to hang out with someone who has a long stand with sobriety. I get embarrassed when I tell people I am only 21 days clean because these are the most delicate times of sobriety. These are the times when people relapse the most and I feel like a lot of people look at my sober time and can't help but think I won't be able to do it. Especially because I am trying so hard to do it on my own. I don't really have many friends, and I don't have specific things that I do during the day to keep me occupied. Sure, I have my film and my blog and I do basic household chores, but at this point in time I have nothing besides the weight of gravity that is holding me to this planet. Maybe I should try to write one thing for submission to Thought Catalog every day. That will force me to think outside the box and not just write these entries that are slightly incoherent and based solely off my rambling brain. Watching Saved By the Bell inspired me to write a list of famous actors with the worst names but who played really cool characters. Lisa's name in real life is Lark Voorhies and I just think that is a terrible name. Lark? The harsh K at the end gives it such a negative connotation and I couldn't even imagine the types of nicknames that would go along with that name. Ark? Noah?