Day 24

Kramer wouldn't leave me alone this morning and I feel as though he is the only person that really wants me around. Yesterday was the first day Buckles and I didn't talk and that really worries me. It worries me because I was busy all day so I didn't have a chance to call him, and he never tried once to get in contact with me. And then, when I did call him around midnight, twice, he never answered. I feel really alone and isolated right now. Pat was telling me how he was upset last night because he feels isolated too. I feel bad because I know exactly how miserable being lonely feels. We just feel lonely for different reasons. I think he really wants a girlfriend. Rather, a girlfriend who really loves him and appreciates all the great things he is capable of doing. I feel bad that I was not that person for him, but I cherish his friendship just as much as I would cherish a romantic relationship with someone. He doesn't see that though. It's probably just my narcissistic tendencies, but I feel that he is distancing himself from me because he still wants to be with me. I don't want to let him go because he is one of my best friends, but I also don't want to hurt him by constantly hanging out with him. Things are different with us these days anyways, he ignores my texts a lot and seems to try and keep himself at a distance from me. The only thing I can think of is that he still cares for me more as a friend, and he is feeling this isolation due to the fact that he can't be with me. This is why I am selfish and a narcissist. Because I truly believe that all of Pat's worries revolve around me. Hopefully one day I can break free from this mindset and be able to assess certain situations for as they are, rather than for how I want to see them. Yesterday was fun, I met up with that kid Tom that I met off of OK CUPID and although I kept it completely platonic, it was fun driving around, taking pictures and getting a history lesson of New Jersey from a total stranger who, in the future, may turn into a friend. He was weird though. He was an incredibly privileged, white kid who grew up in a wealthy area on a farm and went to an exclusive private school. Just by the way he carried himself you could tell how obvious his upbringing was. There was nothing wrong with that, however, and he was a very nice kid. I mean, he drove me literally all over north jersey, took me to my aunts house so I could get my film camera because there was something wrong with my dads camera, and even came into my house to meet my family and dogs. We hung out for about 12 hours, and there was never really a dull in the conversation. We went to a thrift store, walked around a cemetery, imagined situations of mental patients trapped in attics, talked about fetishes, ate at a diner, went to a pet store, listened to The Talking Heads and talked about the domestication of wolves. I could tell that we had different beliefs and viewpoints in certain topics of conversation, and it was quite obvious he went to a liberal arts college up in Vermont, but overall the day was refreshing and it was nice to just hang out with someone. That is the worst part about being home, the loneliness. Trying to find things to occupy my time with. Not really knowing what direction my future is going in or where I am going to be in a months time. I kind of keep hoping everything starts falling into place on it's own but I understand how ignorant that is and how I really need to start taking my future seriously. I just, am really, really sad sometimes and it's hard to picture my future life. There are certain things that I am finding terribly difficult to let go off and although I know how positive letting these things go for my future will be, it's hard to say goodbye to things you have held onto so dearly in the past. At least my dad is home for the weekend and I can spend time with him.