Day 19

Last night I couldn't get to sleep because I had an excessive amount of thoughts regarding my relationship with Arty. Or, my lack of relationship. It's been eight months of me consistently asking to hang out and hook up since we broke up in September. I remember dating Brian during my teenage years and how easy that break up was for me. Five years. Five years of mental and physical abuse and when I finally got the courage to break it off with him, it was such a clean break I barely thought about it twice. With Arty, it's different. I really care about him and the fact that he doesn't use drugs can be such a positive influence in my life. Plus, we laugh together, we have fun together and most importantly, we have really great sex together. It's very hard for me to actually care about another human being so when I do find that person I care about, it's hard for me to just turn away and let them go. I wasn't the easiest girlfriend to deal with during our brief relationship and there were times when I was definitely rather demanding, but there were points where he was incredibly hard to deal with as well. However, he is unwilling to take any of that responsibility with him, while I am the one who has all this weight left on my shoulders that I am waiting to let go of. Since we have broken up it's obvious we both still care about each other considering the amount of times we are both willing to go back to each other, but in his eyes, I am still not good enough. I am still not ready to be in the type of relationship that he is looking for and the fact of the matter is, he is right. I'm not ready. If it was up to me I would see him every single day because that is how much I enjoy his company. I want to watch him play video games and talk about anime references that I will never understand. I want to fall asleep before him, only to wake up in the middle of the night as he is coming to bed. But more importantly, I miss when we say goodbye in the morning and he gives me a goodbye kiss. That's what I miss. I miss knowing that every time I say goodbye to him I get to kiss his soft lips knowing damn well that I will get to see him again soon. Over the past months of our casual hook ups those goodbye kisses don't exist. A "see ya later" or just a casual "goodbye" is all that I  get and it leaves me feeling more lonely than the nights I spend without him. And that sucks. It sucks because he hates the emotional side of my personality. He hates how much I care about him and want to be with him. He hates that I have feelings that he couldn't possibly give himself the chance to understand. Yet, the worst part is, throughout my struggle to stay sober I still hold onto this ounce of hope that when I "get better" we can be together. That in a few months, I can contact him and we can start from fresh. And that is so wrong. It is so wrong of me to think that I need to change to be with him. That at this point of my life I am not good enough for him, but in a few months, I will be. Because to tell you the truth, he isn't good enough for me. He brings out the worst in me because he forces me to maintain this premeditated distance in the relationship. He wants a serious girlfriend in the most casual way and most people can't handle that kind of paradox. People expect things from their partners but in my situation with Arty, I can't. I can't ever expect him to drop everything and be there for me because he would never do that. I can't expect him to say I love you first, because he can't. I can't hold onto the idea that maybe, just maybe one day, when I see him, he will look at me with this long, overdue stare and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am and hold me in his arms. He won't do those things. And that's why our relationship can't work at this point in time. Because I romanticize everything while he has no idea what it means to show affection. And that's fine, for him. But it's not okay for me and I shouldn't find it acceptable to want something so mediocre. But I do. I want his cold and selfish ways to be a constant in my life because he makes me happy. I can stand next to him and feel a surge of energy running through my body, causing my heart to beat faster. Some people spend their entire lives searching for someone to give them that rush. And I found him. It's just unfortunate that he doesn't feel the same way. It's unfortunate that he will always look at me as a drug addict, and even with months sober there will always be apart of him that will assume I will relapse. He thinks I am weak, and right now, I am. But that doesn't mean people can't change. That doesn't mean that I don't want to change. Life is all about overcoming the smaller battles, and currently, I am fighting a few. The last thing Arty said to me was to ask him about a relationship in 6 months. 6 long months. I wish he didn't tell me that. I wish I didn't manifest his distance into a feeling of hope. Something to look forward to. A feeling that prevents me from sleeping at night because I think about getting better so I can be with him. The only person who should matter right now is me, not some guy who thinks I can't be a normal person. Some guy who isn't willing to be with me through my struggle, because he is only happy with me when I am a perfect angel. He wants the rewards without trying to collect the points first and as unfair as that is, I still can't help myself from seeing his face before I fall asleep every night.