Day 22 Grizzly Man

I just finished watching the documentary Grizzly Man, directed by Werner Herzog, starring Timothy Treadwell and his late girlfriend Amy. It was chilling, to say the least. Grizzly Man was about Timothy, a troubled man who had found solace in nature among grizzly bears. He believed he had an innate understanding of all grizzly bears and that despite his human tendencies, he was one of them. For 13 years he would travel to the Alaskan wilderness and camp for the summer months, "protecting" the bears. He believed that he was the only person who could save and protect them, and after the summer months he would travel the country, visiting schools and recreational centers to spread the word about how important grizzly bears are to our planet. He received barely any money for his endeavors and was sponsored by no one except himself and the bears he called friends. This was a hard documentary to watch. Although there was neither video or audio footage of the gruesome death that was the fate of both Timothy and Amy, this documentary brought out emotions of misdirected sadness, knowing that such a troubled man died doing exactly what he felt he was meant to do. That wasn't what was so upsetting about this particular story. What bothered me, was watching Timothy's personal struggle within himself throughout the film. He frequently recorded small conversations that he had with the camera that outlined his thoughts and emotions regarding that particular day, or that particular scene. Although he spoke mainly of his relationship and his duty with the bears, there was this underlying and obvious struggle between himself as a person and his own manifestation as a bear. Whether he actually believed in the strength of the relationships among himself and the bears, there was always this halo of a hyper-lack of awareness between himself and his environment. Ironically, he felt as though he was one with nature, while I felt he showed a complete disassociation from it. One of the most chilling scenes, for me, was when one of his bear friends, whom he commonly referred to on a first name basis, went to the bathroom, and Timothy got this surge of ecstasy just from hovering his hand over the fecal matter and feeling the warmth of the feces. He went on to say how happy he was that, his friend, left him this bounty. Once inside her body, this fecal matter lay upon a pile of rocks, as a stream flows underneath it, and Timothy can't help but feel this undeniable connection to this pile of literal shit. He zooms in and out of the poop for roughly thirty seconds before analyzing the bears emotions in regard to himself. He truly believed that this bear left this bounty for him to pleasure himself with. And i don't mean sexually. Spiritually, he has taken himself outside of his own body and has started to only associate himself with theirs. Another frightening notion was how strongly he humanized each bear. Not only with first names, but with individualized feelings that he had for each and every bear he shared contact with. Nature does not give names to each other, because there are no need for words to be shared and identities to be made. Bears live in survival mode and by trying to identify with each bear you take away their very essence of being, and that is what is dangerous. Blurring the lines between two, totally separate life forms, rather than appreciating the contrast between the two. After learning about Timothy's life growing up, and the obstacles he faced as an actor, I realized why he held onto his beliefs in such an unhealthy yet passionate way. He wanted to die. He was incredibly lonely, and he felt a complete lack of connection between himself and every other human. He commonly spoke about how he couldn't stay in committed relationships, because his female companions would always end up leaving him, and he would yell at inanimate or "artificial persons". (Specifically the U.S Government and the Park Services and Rangers) Ultimately, I believe he was yelling at himself. He spent so many years convincing himself that this was what he was supposed to be doing, and by not seeing any tangible, solid results, he became frustrated with himself, furthering himself from his own reality even more. Timothy lived a life, of what he believed to be a bunch of failures, stemming from his early acting career that never launched into anything. He often spoke about how he would die for these animals, that if a grizzly bear ever attacked him he would not execute force nor try and harm the bear. He would surrender to the fate that lies in the paws of the bear, and this lack of fear associated with dying was a cry for help. Timothy wanted to die, but he felt that since his life was filled with unwarranted failures, a suicide attempt would just prove to himself and others that he failed at his own life. So he lived in this fantasy world where he pointed the spotlight on himself, and became his own hero. He gave his own life this imaginary sense of meaning while consistently putting himself in danger because he knew that if he died by the side of a grizzly bear, it wouldn't be considered another act of failure. It's an awful feeling, knowing that you don't belong among your own kind, feeling so disconnected from the world that you create your own place where you can fit in. The grizzly bears were unable to tell Timothy that he was not one of them, and because of this lack of communication, Timothy took it upon himself to be the voice of both the bears and his own insecurities. By committing to this lifestyle, Timothy premeditated his own death by separating his own desires from the one thing he feared most, himself.