Day 27

I didn't feel like writing yesterday, so I didn't. Not much happened anyways,I had incredibly low energy and I was pretty depressed. The medicine that I am taking, specifically the Chlonodine, drops my blood pressure like crazy and I just don't have any energy to do anything. Today my mom and I are meeting Aunt Lori at the Rockaway mall, and since I have finally gotten my taxes back, I can buy my Bare Minerals and have skin as smooth as a babies bottom. I am also treating myself this week to a small vacation, considering I haven't really been doing much of anything, and I want to continue to take pictures of new places and old people. Hopefully, New York/ Brooklyn on Thursday to meet up with Alannna for a bit, and then this weekend I am going to spend some time in Philly with Natalie and hopefully see Rob! That would be awesome, because then I could eventually make my way back up to Boston and all this misery I am feeling will soon evaporate. Tonight I am going to my 30 day NA meeting. Technically it's only day 27 but I won't be going to an actual meeting on my 30 days clean, so I will just fudge it a bit and go with Pat tonight to get my damn key chain that I have worked rather hard for. I still have cravings, but its more for drinking not for Suboxone or Heroin, so it's not too bad. I know eventually I won't even think about it anymore. I am just happy I am able to keep a clear head, make good decisions and not have regrets when I wake up in the morning. Last night me and Arty sent some sexy texts to each other. Obviously, initiated by me, but he seemed pretty down and we exchanged some videos. It was funny. I fell asleep half way through and woke up to a video of him jerking it, which was cute because I love picturing him touching himself. He is the only person (dude) I think about when masturbating that actually has the ability to turn me on. Part of me initiated these sexts as a test to see if he was seeing someone, or if he was down to do it. Which he was. I miss him. I don't know why but there is just something about him that I don't want to let go of very easily at all. I found out that On Demand has ALL of the episodes of both girls AND Broad City on it so yesterday went by pretty quickly. I freaking love Broad City, I have never laughed out loud during one show like the way I do with that show in forever. I want to right about the paradox of Broad City and how it is supposed to be a representation of the laziness of our generation, while it is our generation who are making these awesome TV shows like Girls, Workaholics and Broad City. I feel bad I locked Kramer out of his room last night so he wasn't able to use the bathroom, eat his food or cuddle with me. Yesterday I did smoke a little bit of weed while watching Broad City, and to be honest, I didn't freak out and it was kind of fun. I munched out hard on a doughnut, chocolate chip pudding and two cupcakes, then jokingly took a serious picture of the food on Instagram, and now want to make a satirical video involving people taking Instagram photos. Life is hilarious and so easy to make fun of. My brother called today, but we only had 60 seconds left to talk so that conversation ended abruptly. Apparently he talked to his social worker and he applied to have a Public Defender, so hopefully he gets another court date soon. I probably won't see him for a while. He just tried calling back but for some reason the automatic payment information operator didn't work and the call got disconnected. I hope he tries to call back soon because I would love to talk to him.

Day 25

Every where I go lately I get this sense of familiarity, particularly with people as they pass me by. All of them, to my knowledge, are strangers, yet I can't help but get this feeling that I have met them before, that these people have been apart of my life in some way or another. It's weird, and it doesn't happen with everyone but when it does I get this overwhelming sense that our paths have crossed before. I can tell these people don't feel the same way about me, because as I stare at them trying to remember how I know them, they look past me as if I don't exist. How strange, knowing that these people are imprinting my life while they continue to casually go about their business, never thinking twice or even noticing my existence. It's this strange sense of deja vu and ever since I was admitted to the hospital, this feeling follows me wherever I go. Whether it is in familiar territories or not, I can't help but recognize the faces of these strangers. I am getting two more rolls of film developed today and I hope they come out okay. Not only for my sake, but for Toms as well. I know he was curious about a few of the shots and I don't want to let him down. I like the random and mysteriousness that lies within each roll of exposed film. Half of the mystery comes from me forgetting the photos I took, but also the subtle differences in each way the film comes out. I have no idea how each picture is going to turn out, or even, if each picture is going to turn out. One of the rolls of film I used was new while the other was probably expired. Oh well, the last roll of expired film I used was fine so hopefully this one will be okay as well. Once the weather gets better I am going to take some shots with my nicer film camera that I finally got back from my aunts house. Although the natural light from the shitty weather would make the pictures turn out alright, I don't want to risk ruining my camera in the rain. I have had such low energy the past few days I am starting to think something is wrong with me. I took my blood pressure at Walmart today and it was incredibly low. I think I need to start relying so much on the Chlonodine now that I am not withdrawing anymore, and just take the melatonin around bedtime. It is making me feel drowsy throughout the day and that has been adding to my depression. I watched Stand By Me this morning and I now realize why Buckles loves the movie so much. Corey Feldman, even though he was only about 14 in the movie, was such a babe and his character, Teddy, was my favorite character. "I don't need a babysitter", he screams has one of his friends tries to pull him away from the train track as the train is coming and Teddy wants to play a game of chicken. That scene stuck with me for some reason, and Teddy's complete lack of emotion and reason towards the train was emotional. I never had a childhood like that of those boys, and I found it interesting how the end of the movie was also the end of the groups friendship. That's how it is as that age. Whether you have a ton of things in common with your childhood friends or not, eventually you seek something different and you slowly drift apart from those friends. Currently in my life I am not friends with anyone from either middle school or high school and there is apart of me that always feels a sense of sadness for not trying harder, or keeping in touch with anyone. I always blame it on how I was so different from the people I went to school with, but that is just an immature way of viewing myself as better than those people. In fact, I haven't kept in touch with anyone over the years. Part of that has to do with drugs, and part of that has to do with my innate desire of always wanting more, but either way I am aware of how upset it makes me at times. I am lonely and constantly unfulfilled with my own life.

Day 24

Kramer wouldn't leave me alone this morning and I feel as though he is the only person that really wants me around. Yesterday was the first day Buckles and I didn't talk and that really worries me. It worries me because I was busy all day so I didn't have a chance to call him, and he never tried once to get in contact with me. And then, when I did call him around midnight, twice, he never answered. I feel really alone and isolated right now. Pat was telling me how he was upset last night because he feels isolated too. I feel bad because I know exactly how miserable being lonely feels. We just feel lonely for different reasons. I think he really wants a girlfriend. Rather, a girlfriend who really loves him and appreciates all the great things he is capable of doing. I feel bad that I was not that person for him, but I cherish his friendship just as much as I would cherish a romantic relationship with someone. He doesn't see that though. It's probably just my narcissistic tendencies, but I feel that he is distancing himself from me because he still wants to be with me. I don't want to let him go because he is one of my best friends, but I also don't want to hurt him by constantly hanging out with him. Things are different with us these days anyways, he ignores my texts a lot and seems to try and keep himself at a distance from me. The only thing I can think of is that he still cares for me more as a friend, and he is feeling this isolation due to the fact that he can't be with me. This is why I am selfish and a narcissist. Because I truly believe that all of Pat's worries revolve around me. Hopefully one day I can break free from this mindset and be able to assess certain situations for as they are, rather than for how I want to see them. Yesterday was fun, I met up with that kid Tom that I met off of OK CUPID and although I kept it completely platonic, it was fun driving around, taking pictures and getting a history lesson of New Jersey from a total stranger who, in the future, may turn into a friend. He was weird though. He was an incredibly privileged, white kid who grew up in a wealthy area on a farm and went to an exclusive private school. Just by the way he carried himself you could tell how obvious his upbringing was. There was nothing wrong with that, however, and he was a very nice kid. I mean, he drove me literally all over north jersey, took me to my aunts house so I could get my film camera because there was something wrong with my dads camera, and even came into my house to meet my family and dogs. We hung out for about 12 hours, and there was never really a dull in the conversation. We went to a thrift store, walked around a cemetery, imagined situations of mental patients trapped in attics, talked about fetishes, ate at a diner, went to a pet store, listened to The Talking Heads and talked about the domestication of wolves. I could tell that we had different beliefs and viewpoints in certain topics of conversation, and it was quite obvious he went to a liberal arts college up in Vermont, but overall the day was refreshing and it was nice to just hang out with someone. That is the worst part about being home, the loneliness. Trying to find things to occupy my time with. Not really knowing what direction my future is going in or where I am going to be in a months time. I kind of keep hoping everything starts falling into place on it's own but I understand how ignorant that is and how I really need to start taking my future seriously. I just, am really, really sad sometimes and it's hard to picture my future life. There are certain things that I am finding terribly difficult to let go off and although I know how positive letting these things go for my future will be, it's hard to say goodbye to things you have held onto so dearly in the past. At least my dad is home for the weekend and I can spend time with him.

Today Is A Very Bad Day

Today I feel incredibly lonely. I feel bored out of my mind even though I know that there are hundreds of things that I could have done today, I just didn't have the energy to do anything. I finally got around to cleaning the bathroom upstairs and taking my laundry out of the dryer. Big things. Tomorrow I am meeting up with that kid Tom in Morristown but I am nervous because I don't really understand how to use my dads camera and I feel like I am going to be a huge disappoint to him. Not like it matters anyway because he is going back to school on Sunday so it's not like we are going to become friends. Pat works so much so I cant even hang out with him this weekend. Keeping my fingers crossed that my brother gets out of jail tomorrow so I have someone to play with, sober. I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I try to make myself feel good by telling myself these small accomplishments are meaningful, yet on days like today I just feel awful about myself. I feel as though I may be stuck in this rut forever and it is depressing. Everything about my life is depressing. My mom is literally insane, doing drugs, drinking, going out with creepy men and hanging out with 23 year old girls. My brother is a heroin addict who is in jail and my dad is trying so desperately to keep it all together for us, but I can see him falling apart. We are sick and we are tired and I am starting to learn that life just isn't fun for everyone. How can I go from feeling so great to feeling so awful, so quickly? It's cold and I have no energy to even go outside, let alone take a shower. Although after this rant I am going to force myself into the shower that I just spent twenty minutes cleaning. I also miss Arty. I hate that I see him talk about girls on his facebook and I hate that he wants nothing to do with me. I hate that he never even thinks about me and I hate the fact that Alex is moving back and they are going to go out and date a bunch of girls together. I hate that I allow myself to think about him as much as I do. I hate it. I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't want to meet anyone else because I want to be able to get over him on my own without another person posing as some sort of distraction. I hate the person that I am right now and I just want to be better without doing any work. I want to take my entire bottle of Ativan and just not wake up but I know I wont do that because I do have hope. I have hope that one day I will have my shit figured out and everything will fall into place, but until that day comes I sit here, alone, at my parents house trying so desperately to find some solitude in anything. I have all these big dreams of making a small web series with Pat but I doubt that we will ever get around to it. He has a life. He is busy. We are not dating and I already see what the future holds for us. Me trying so hard to hang out with him but him not actually wanting anything to do with me anymore because we don't hook up. I am paranoid and I am scared and I want to be able to tell someone all of these feelings I have but I have no one and trying to do this all by yourself is really hard and it's not therapeutic. I want to go to a therapist but I don't want my dad to have to pay for it because its expensive and I feel like he thinks its unnecessary. Why couldn't I have graduated college like everyone else from my grade? Maybe I should have joined a sorority like the rest of them and sold out. Would I be happy then? Would I even be able to realize I was sad because I would have all these distractions? Who knows. And frankly, who even cares. I want to lay my head on Buckles right now but I know that is a wrong thought to have because I cant rely on someone else to make me feel better. I am living in a paradox. I know I can only rely on myself to be happy, yet, I need someone to help me get there. I just want this anxious feeling to finally leave my body so I can be free from these unnecessary emotions, but it's been three weeks and I still feel the symptoms of withdrawal. I miss Arty. I miss Arty. I miss Arty. Obviously my anti-depressants aren't working and at least with the Celexa I felt a change. Effexor leaves me feeling empty and it takes away my natural energy. I don't want to be a normal person but I want to have normal tendencies. I want someone to love me. I want to be capable of love again. I want to be an empty slate so I can try again, teach myself from the beginning but do it the right way. I wish there were do overs because I would do so many things differently so I can avoid feeling the constant pain I feel each and every day.

Day 22 Grizzly Man

I just finished watching the documentary Grizzly Man, directed by Werner Herzog, starring Timothy Treadwell and his late girlfriend Amy. It was chilling, to say the least. Grizzly Man was about Timothy, a troubled man who had found solace in nature among grizzly bears. He believed he had an innate understanding of all grizzly bears and that despite his human tendencies, he was one of them. For 13 years he would travel to the Alaskan wilderness and camp for the summer months, "protecting" the bears. He believed that he was the only person who could save and protect them, and after the summer months he would travel the country, visiting schools and recreational centers to spread the word about how important grizzly bears are to our planet. He received barely any money for his endeavors and was sponsored by no one except himself and the bears he called friends. This was a hard documentary to watch. Although there was neither video or audio footage of the gruesome death that was the fate of both Timothy and Amy, this documentary brought out emotions of misdirected sadness, knowing that such a troubled man died doing exactly what he felt he was meant to do. That wasn't what was so upsetting about this particular story. What bothered me, was watching Timothy's personal struggle within himself throughout the film. He frequently recorded small conversations that he had with the camera that outlined his thoughts and emotions regarding that particular day, or that particular scene. Although he spoke mainly of his relationship and his duty with the bears, there was this underlying and obvious struggle between himself as a person and his own manifestation as a bear. Whether he actually believed in the strength of the relationships among himself and the bears, there was always this halo of a hyper-lack of awareness between himself and his environment. Ironically, he felt as though he was one with nature, while I felt he showed a complete disassociation from it. One of the most chilling scenes, for me, was when one of his bear friends, whom he commonly referred to on a first name basis, went to the bathroom, and Timothy got this surge of ecstasy just from hovering his hand over the fecal matter and feeling the warmth of the feces. He went on to say how happy he was that, his friend, left him this bounty. Once inside her body, this fecal matter lay upon a pile of rocks, as a stream flows underneath it, and Timothy can't help but feel this undeniable connection to this pile of literal shit. He zooms in and out of the poop for roughly thirty seconds before analyzing the bears emotions in regard to himself. He truly believed that this bear left this bounty for him to pleasure himself with. And i don't mean sexually. Spiritually, he has taken himself outside of his own body and has started to only associate himself with theirs. Another frightening notion was how strongly he humanized each bear. Not only with first names, but with individualized feelings that he had for each and every bear he shared contact with. Nature does not give names to each other, because there are no need for words to be shared and identities to be made. Bears live in survival mode and by trying to identify with each bear you take away their very essence of being, and that is what is dangerous. Blurring the lines between two, totally separate life forms, rather than appreciating the contrast between the two. After learning about Timothy's life growing up, and the obstacles he faced as an actor, I realized why he held onto his beliefs in such an unhealthy yet passionate way. He wanted to die. He was incredibly lonely, and he felt a complete lack of connection between himself and every other human. He commonly spoke about how he couldn't stay in committed relationships, because his female companions would always end up leaving him, and he would yell at inanimate or "artificial persons". (Specifically the U.S Government and the Park Services and Rangers) Ultimately, I believe he was yelling at himself. He spent so many years convincing himself that this was what he was supposed to be doing, and by not seeing any tangible, solid results, he became frustrated with himself, furthering himself from his own reality even more. Timothy lived a life, of what he believed to be a bunch of failures, stemming from his early acting career that never launched into anything. He often spoke about how he would die for these animals, that if a grizzly bear ever attacked him he would not execute force nor try and harm the bear. He would surrender to the fate that lies in the paws of the bear, and this lack of fear associated with dying was a cry for help. Timothy wanted to die, but he felt that since his life was filled with unwarranted failures, a suicide attempt would just prove to himself and others that he failed at his own life. So he lived in this fantasy world where he pointed the spotlight on himself, and became his own hero. He gave his own life this imaginary sense of meaning while consistently putting himself in danger because he knew that if he died by the side of a grizzly bear, it wouldn't be considered another act of failure. It's an awful feeling, knowing that you don't belong among your own kind, feeling so disconnected from the world that you create your own place where you can fit in. The grizzly bears were unable to tell Timothy that he was not one of them, and because of this lack of communication, Timothy took it upon himself to be the voice of both the bears and his own insecurities. By committing to this lifestyle, Timothy premeditated his own death by separating his own desires from the one thing he feared most, himself.

Day 21

Buckles doesn't really answer my phone calls anymore and I am not sure if I am upset about it or not. I had a really great day with Pat today and I realized that maybe, right now, this is the place for me. I know that their is an entire world going on around me, and I may be missing out on something big and great, but maybe there isn't any harm in staying at home for a while, getting a job and saving up some money. I have Pat and myself and right now I am pretty satisfied with those two things. I have been taking a bunch of unnecessary pictures, trying to figure out the best way to use this point and shoot camera from the 80's. I might be annoying about it, but it makes me happy and when I get a roll of film developed there is always a part of me that is happy with the outcome. There is a small part of me that will always feel some type of let down, like the pictures are meaningless to everyone else around me. But that's okay, because they should be. These photos are not for them. They are for me, about the current state of mind that I am in. I find it interesting that I am able to track my mood both in the written form and also through a visual art, such as film. Today Pat and I sat in a pizza place for like an hour, left in a hurry singing Wrecking Ball and then half way out of the parking lot realized that we never payed for our pizza, so we went back. Honestly, if it was up to me I wouldn't have gone back. I would have accidentally forgot to pay but when I realized what happened, I would not have turned back. This is why Pat is so great. He forced us to go back, and we paid. The employees were pleasantly surprised and a customer who was waiting for her food thanked us for our good behavior. Because the fact of the matter is most people wouldn't have gone back to pay. Most people would have realized that they forgot to pay and then thought to themselves "Oh well, it's too late now. We got away with it." And it is that exact mindset that has lead me to the place where I am now. I treated both myself and others so poorly for all these years because I would continuously get away with it. I never take responsibility for my actions and I always end up blaming others for my mistakes. That is what is going on between Buckles and I right now. I am blaming him for not letting me come back to Boston and live with him. I am blaming him for not taking responsibility for my actions. I am blaming him for not wanting to take care of me anymore. And frankly, that is not fair. I am immature in so many ways and that frustrates me. It frustrates me that I know I use people and when I don't get what I want from them, I leave; disappearing without a trace because they wouldn't break their back to try and make me happy. Today made me realize that it is possible to do fun things without spending any money in this town. Walking around Buddy's Big Lots for the first time today was so much fun. The only thing we bought was Hott Sauce and it wasn't even my purchase, but we spent about two hours going throughout the entire store, memorizing their inventory. And I was sober. And I had fun. Pat and I are going to develop some skits and hopefully actually execute them because this is something that I am really passionate about and I truly believe we have good ideas. We have a fetish skit that we are working on where we try and find our perfect fetish. We have a hip hop baby skit, where we rap about being a dumb baby. We are making a commercial about cutting your pants into shorts when it gets hott, and then sewing your pants back on when it gets cold. We have an idea about a narcissistic mantra and also a few other things up our sleeves that I am excited to work on. I doubt we will get noticed, but if I can actually successfully design, create and finish something like this I will be incredibly impressed with my ability to stick with something. I haven't stuck with anything in my life, and I am pretty sure it is that attitude that has gotten me to the place where I am at now. There are so many things to learn and create in this world, that I should never spend a second feeling bored. I should challenge myself more, and find more outlets to let out some of my build up energy and frustration because I am genuinely enjoying the person that I am turning into. I am smart and I am funny but more importantly I am a capable human being that can accomplish anything as long as I stick with it long enough. I want to go to bed every night feeling good about my day, and although that is not necessarily my reality right now, that doesn't mean that it won't happen in the future. I am learning to let go of some of the things that have held be back for so long, and in a way, I feel free. I have this privilege of freedom that will allow me to do anything I want to do. As long as I learn to let go, accept change and move on. Day dreaming about my past experiences, or being with people who no longer want to be with me is a toxic in my body that will only hinder my growth. I feel comfortable saying, that although there are still things that I miss and people I want to spend time with, I am slowly realizing how important it is to sometimes say goodbye and never look back.

16 Actors Who Have Deceived You

I don't take the lives of celebrities very seriously, and until today, I didn't really think they did either. How could you? Your a freaking C-E-L-E-B-R-I-T-Y for god's sake! Your life consists solely off of what others think and feel about you and your relevancy is determined by the mass demographic of people you try so desperately to gain love and attention from. Maybe it's my new stint in sobriety, and/or the amount of time I have on my hands but today, a pile of information fell upon my lap and I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed for all the celebrities who either, dead or alive, have taken themselves so seriously that they had to change their names just so they could appeal to the masses more. And good thing too because some of these names are a real doozy!

1.. Bernice Frankel AKA Beautrice Arthur: Oh Bea, rest in peace you beautiful soul. You helped shape my lonely adolescent into an even lonelier one because your long legs and sarcastic tone pulled me in closer and closer to the television screen until one day I called my own mother Sophia. But good move on the whole name changing, because Frankel reminds me of some old chap from the 50's trying to sell hot dogs door to door when, one day, he suddenly chokes on one during his sales pitch. Remember, ABC. (Always Be Chewing) Or, you will die, from a Hot Dog. Or, in your case cancer.

2.Cornellius Crane Chase AKA Chevy Chase: Oh Cornellius. Any true Community fan will instantly remember the father of Pierce Hawthorne. An equally arrogant, homophobic and racist citizen of the grande U.S of A. I would say that you must have wanted to be reminded of your lost roots, but if that's the case, why change your name to begin with? Cornellius sounds like a name your high school girlfriend would nickname your penis, while Chevy sounds like the name of an overfed white boy from Ohio eating Snickers bars with the plastic still on. Get your shit together Cornellius, or don't. At this point in time no one likes you anyways.

3. Declan Patrick Aloysius  Macmanus AKA Elvis Costello: This one really doesn't need an explanation. Any desperate, unknown musician would have made the exact same move given his situation. Imagine a band poster reading "Declan Patrick Aloysius Macman and The Roots Perfoming Live." You can't, because you lost me at Declan. Should have just taken away the N and added an RE. DECLARE! Now that's a name. Unfortunately the song "Pump It Up" is embarrassing enough, so I understand the given stage name. Keep the glasses though, they are your biggest selling point Declan.

4. Judy Garland AKA Frances Gumm: Personally, I think the name Frances Garland has a better ring to it. But, I could be biased. I personally love the name Frances and anyone whom it belongs to. But maybe Judy should have just changed her first name to Bubble. Chances are it would have killed her acting career, Dorothy would have been played by the platinum Jean Harlow and the rest of the world would have continued living, never being blessed with the literal angel that is known as Judy Garland. And who knows, maybe it would have saved her all that time and energy overdosing on drugs. I'm a drug addict myself and I understand the exhaustion that comes with long stints of drugs. Oh well.

9. Whoopie Goldberg AKA Caryn Johnson: Obviously the best decision of Caryn Johnsons' career was changing her name to Whoopie. Not only is it a household name, but the word Whoopie has multiple meanings; such as Sex (according to the Newlywed Show) and also as an immature toy that children love to fool others into thinking they have farted. Whoopie Goldberg I associate your name with sex and farts and I want to thank you. So thanks, Whoopie, for changing your god-awful birth name from Caryn to one of my favorite words of the century. You did it!

10. Bob Hope AKA Leslie Townes Hope: Where to even begin with good ol' Bob hope, or should I say Leslie? I am all for gender neutral names, in fact I prefer them. But Leslie, whether male or female, is just awful. It sounds like molest me and that just is not right. Bob, you did a great thing. A typical American name for your average Republican, comedian, actor, singer, dancer, vaudevillian, author and actor. Who says you can't do it all? Definitely not Bob. He accomplished many things all while finding time to change his name. You are a hero to many but you are a God to me. Rest Easy.

11. Elton John AKA Reginald Kenneth Dwight: LOL. I'll keep this one short because Elton John gets made fun of enough and I don't think that's right. He was in one of the greatest 90's films of all times, Spice World, and for that I will always remember his 3-D-esque glasses and infamous 1 earring. Also, I could have sworn he used to have a mole on his face but looking at recent pictures of him, I can't seem to find it. Could it be Elton not only changed his name from Reginald, but also changed his face from "mole" to "mole-less"? Just like the time old mystery of how many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop, I guess the world will never know what happened to Elton AKA Reginald's mole.

12. Bruce Lee AKA Lee Jun Fam: I'm entering this one with a fist full of fury because I think he should have kept his name as Lee Jun. It's fun, its quirky and when you say it fast it sounds like Legion. And Legion is bad-ass. But, Bruce Lee has become a household name over the years so he must have done something right.

13. Spike Lee AKA Shelton Jackson Lee: I have an Uncle Spike, whose real name is Stephen, so I understand the desire to want to sound tough. Spike. Woof Woof. Beware of dog. Beware of drug dealers. Beware of Clockers. Beware of Crooklyn. Woof Woof. Shelton Jackson Lee sounds too much like a priest or a sermon. Although, I still am surprised everyday with the fact that their are two Spike's in the film industry. I don't know man, whatever it takes to make a buck.

14. Chuck Norris AKA Carlos Ray: Carlos Ray belongs on the open road. With a Budweiser in one hand, the steering wheel of a 1979 red Mustang in the other, and a pair of Aviators that gently gaze the tip of his nose so he can make eye contact with the sweet girl in the lane next to him. He stops only to lay in the Arizona dessert and drink water from a cactus. He carries a machete and a grenade in his trunk, but he knows he doesn't need them. His hands are his best weapon. Carlos Ray dreamed this every-night as a small boy. He dreamed that one day he could take on the world with just his bare hands. But, like every insecure boy there was one thing holding him back. His name. Carlos Ray knew no one would take him as serious as he always dreamed of being. So Carlos Ray became Chuck Norris and the rest is cinema history.

15. Charlie Sheen AKA Carlos Irwin Estevez: I think if the general masses were aware of Charlie Sheens' birth name a lot could have been avoided. The overall shock at the amount of strippers, booze, and incoherent words coming in and out of his mouth is overwhelming. Carlos Irwin Estevez is a name where every syllable is only properly pronounced with a pause and a roll of the tongue. Charlie Sheen is a generic, normal, western name. But we all know you can't hide from who you really are Charlie. The truth always comes out and unfortunately, for you, it came out all over the place. I'm still washing your disgusting scent out of my hair because the winds have been strong lately here in Jersey and I am scared that pieces of you are blowing in my general direction. Remember folks, you can't hide who you really are.

16. Sigourney Weaver AKA Susan Weaver: The only reason I am giving Sigourney any thought to my day is because I commonly get told that I look just like her from the movie Alien. Which, by all means is a compliment. Although I see no resemblance myself, I am proud to let others tell me they think I am the hott chick from Alien. However, I always knew something was up with Sigourney. Great hair, beautiful smile, decent actress. How can one who appears so elegantly perfect also have a name like Sigourney. And a great name indeed. I, quite possible, willl name my first born after her. Let my sweet, young childs' curly hair fall in front of her face and as she plays outside, let the sunlight dance upon her smooth skin. Sigourney, you did a good thing by switching the Susan out for something better. I had a boyfriend whose moms name was Susan and we just didn't hit it off. It might have been because her name was Susan, or it might have been because I was injecting heroin with her son in her bathroom, but either way, you made the perfect career choice.

Day 21

It's been 21 days exactly ( 3 weeks) and I have felt pretty awful the past two days. I have been trying out this new medication and I don't even know why I waste my time. I don't like it. I don't want to be on an anti-depressant, and this one particularly is leaving me with this undeniable feeling of emptiness. I called my doctor yesterday to tell him and he once again gave me some text book response about how its probably caused from withdrawing from Chlonodine. Little does he know I haven't been taking four Chlonodine a day as prescribed so there is no way I am withdrawing from that. I just haven't felt too good the past two days. Like there is nothing to look forward too. I was really looking forward to going back to Boston and staying with Buckles but he is doing exactly what I knew he would do. He has, once again, told me I could do something and then suddenly change his mind. I'm not going to call him for a few days, give him some space, maybe some time to miss me. I don't know what I will do if I can't go back to Boston as planned. There really aren't any opportunities here for me. I need to start thinking about other options, and soon. Maybe I can move to Texas with Pat. That would be fun. Not only an entire new city, but an entire new lifestyle. Leave everything I once knew behind and start my life fresh. That's ultimately what I am doing now anyways. I am clean. I am sober. And no matter where I go, or who I hang out with from my past they will always associate me with being a drug addict. And whether or not that is a fair accusation, it is the reality of my situation. If I move to a completely new place, where no one knows me, I will have a real chance for things to be different. Either way I need to figure out something to do for work, and something to continue to occupy me during my days. I would love to be outside all day, but the weather is still brutally cold and windy and that causes a lot of frustration. I did my taxes yesterday, so in a few weeks I should be expecting about 500 dollars. That's not too bad, I at least can do something with that money, Maybe I should look for places in Philadelphia again. It's so cheap and so close. I just wish Zane responded to my Facebook message. Even a polite no would have be a sufficient answer. That is my one pet peeve. Feeling or being ignored. I don't know if that is rooted in a self-esteem issue or if I just genuinely find it rude when someone ignores me, but either way it frustrates and upsets me. I really do try not to worry about what others think about me, and over the past few years that quality trait has manifested into a reality, but sometimes I just get frustrated when people don't respond to such simple requests. This new medicine makes my eyes feel like they keep shaking back and forth, and I don't have much energy nor do I have the desire to do anything. Hence, why I am forcing myself to get off the couch and ramble right now. Last night I went to my first NA meeting in a really long time, and I admit, I really enjoyed myself. I wish it wasn't only on Tuesday nights, and I wish there were more in the area because I would love to try and go to one every night. I have nothing else to do and it really is a positive environment. It's funny how stubborn I am about going to these meetings and giving it a chance because if you listen to any persons first experience with NA they will say the exact same thing. I am so stuck on the idea that I am different from everyone else in there, that they can't possibly understand me and that we have nothing in common. But the fact of the matter is, is that we have everything in common. Sure, my daily habits an hobbies differ from theirs but we are are all apart of the same battle. The same battle for sobriety and finding piece of mind on our own time. I saw Zach Kest and Jordan Erling last night and that was a nice little way to have a high-school reunion. NA; bringing your high school class together so your reunion doesn't have too. I chatted with Zach for a bit after and then I met some other kid that this girl Taylor (who I worked with at Mamma's Pizza) was friends with. He called me a rugid hipster and instantly assumed I was a Gemini so we hit it off pretty great. Hopefully he texts me to ask to hang out because I would love to hang out with someone who has a long stand with sobriety. I get embarrassed when I tell people I am only 21 days clean because these are the most delicate times of sobriety. These are the times when people relapse the most and I feel like a lot of people look at my sober time and can't help but think I won't be able to do it. Especially because I am trying so hard to do it on my own. I don't really have many friends, and I don't have specific things that I do during the day to keep me occupied. Sure, I have my film and my blog and I do basic household chores, but at this point in time I have nothing besides the weight of gravity that is holding me to this planet. Maybe I should try to write one thing for submission to Thought Catalog every day. That will force me to think outside the box and not just write these entries that are slightly incoherent and based solely off my rambling brain. Watching Saved By the Bell inspired me to write a list of famous actors with the worst names but who played really cool characters. Lisa's name in real life is Lark Voorhies and I just think that is a terrible name. Lark? The harsh K at the end gives it such a negative connotation and I couldn't even imagine the types of nicknames that would go along with that name. Ark? Noah?

Day 20

Well, well, well. Almost a solid 3 weeks clean. I am more impressed with my ability to stay off alcohol than I am about the Suboxone considering how stubborn I always am about "not having an alcohol" problem. But whatever, I am proud of myself. Today I don't feel as great as I did yesterday. It might be the combination of me taking my new anti-depressant this morning combined with both Ativan and Chlonodine. I was just very nervous I was going to have some adverse reaction to the medication like I had with my previous SSRI so I wanted to play it safe on the anxiety side. I don't feel much different and I doubt the first time taking my new medicine will actually show any behavior changes. These are all psychosomatic side effects I feel right now. I won't really be able to gauge the situation in a neutral, unbiased way until about a week from now. Until then I just need to keep doing the things I need to get done. I need to unpack my suitcase from Boston and do laundry today. I need to work out a little bit. I need to walk the dogs. And, if it's not too cold outside (which I am pretty sure it is) I want to go and explore my suburban neighborhood for some inspiration for some film shots. I don't feel particularly sad or happy right now, just a little bland. I did so much research on my new medication last night called Venlafexine AKA Effexor. To be honest, it was kind of fun learning about serotonin-norepinephrine inhibitors because I wasn't previously familiarized with those. SNRI's. They are a class of anti-depressant drugs used in treatment of major depression and other mood disorders. ADD, chronic neuropathetic pain and fibromyalgia syndrome and sometimes for the relief of menstrual cramps. Neuropathetic Pain is caused by damages that affects the somosensory system, which is the bodies complex sensory system. Neuropathetic pain may be associated with abnormal sensations called dysesthesia. Dysesthesia is defined as an unpleasant and abnormal sense of touch. May present as pain, but may also present as an inappropriate, but not discomforting sensation. Spontaneous or evoked feelings of burning, itching, wetness, electric shock and pins and needles. Fibromyalgia is another pain disorder, characterized by chronic widespread pain. Other symptoms for this disease include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbances and joint stiffness. Serotonin norepinephrine inhibitors are potent inhibitors for serotonin and norepinephrine re-uptake. Norepinephrine is an organic compound with multiple roles including those as hormones and neurotransmitters. It is the hormone and neurotransmitter most responsible for vigilant concentration in contrast to its most chemically similar hormone, dopamine, which is responsible for cognitive alertness. It is medically used to help treat hypo tension, which is commonly referred to as low blood pressure. Norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors alone acts as a reuptake inhibitor for the neurotransmitter norepinephrine and adrenaline by blocking the action of the norepinephrine transporter. This is turn leads to increased concentration. NRI's are commonly used in the treatment of ADHD and narcolepsy due to their psycho-stimulant effects. (Better known as uppers. More alertness, increase in concentration.)

Effexor is used primarily for the treatment of depression, general anxiety, social phobia, panic disorder and vasomotor symptoms. (Hott Flashes.) At low doses (less than 150mg) it acts only as a serotoneric transmission.

There are obviously tons of negative side effects to this drug, and when I was looking at different forums last night to get peoples opinions about the drug that have used it, the results weren't that positive. Mainly people complained about the horrible withdrawal symptoms. However, these people may have never experienced drug withdrawals previously so it is hard to measure the level of pain with their level of experience. My most common concern is that I will develop serotonin syndrome again, which is why I am watching my dose and taking things slow. The difference between trying an antidepressant this time and the last time, is the fact that I am not longer showing the physical signs of Subxone and Ativan withdrawal, and I am also not on all the other medications that my doctor had previously put me on. I am quite confident that this time will be different, and if not, I at least know the signs to watch out for and I can immediately take action to prevent an extreme situation from arising, such as last time.

Why the Golden Girls Matter

Blanche. Dorothy. Sophia. Rose. I was about eight years old when I first turned on the TV hoping that Nick-at-Night hadn't started yet because I knew that I would be unable to watch my cartoons. Realizing that it was too late, and I should probably just go to bed, I almost gave up on the television all together. But I didn't. First site of these four, independent women intrigued me. I was curious, as an eight year old, why a bunch of older women were on the television screen, when I could instead be watching Rugrats. But I didn't change the channel. I was hooked. Even though I was only eight years old, I understood most of the jokes and genuinely enjoyed the sitcoms campy story line. It wasn't until years later I realized the positive impact that show had on both my personal well being and development as a female. It pushed through the basic, masculine, patriarchal system that most television shows did not address. Yet, as a growing child, my subconscious mind appreciated the strong female leads as role models. It didn't take long to realize the underlying feminist messages The Golden Girls was broadcasting all over television. And I couldn't have been the only small child up a little past her bedtime, experiencing this sense of power and discovery for the first time. No, this was a show that, through the ages, has stood the test of time and is still being played on cable television to this day because it still has not lost its relevancy. Each character had a quirky personality trait that one of the other housemates would always tease, but never, would a housemate ask another one of her female roommates to change. Never would they try and tear each other down. Instead, they relied on each other to make it through the day and, ultimately, be their "happily ever after." A love story about four "sisters" who, through the test of time, will always be able to rely on each other. Below is a break down of each character and how they helped shape me over the years:

1. Blanche: Oh Blanche! A beautiful, older, independent women with a quirky and bossy demeanor about her that makes all the men go crazy. She doesn't let a man walk all over her and she uses her sexual side to help her obtain exactly what she wants, sex. And that is okay! It is completely normal for a women to desire sex from either the opposite or same sex all while being healthy and mindful about it. Women are taught at such an early age to repress their own sexual desires and by the time they reach puberty, they either don't understand that it is okay to tell a boy no, or they never explore themselves within which can potentially lead to a life of unsatisfied sexual experiences. But not Blanche, she stands strong and pushes the misogynists to the side and goes after what she wants. The best part about Blanche, though, is her independence. Sure, does she always have a man around, waiting somewhere in the depths of her bedroom sheets? Yes. But that's because she wants him there not because she has to have him. And that's important. Females do not need men in order to be happy, and vice versa. People need to find happiness within themselves before they can share it with others and Blanche proves just that.

2. Dorothy: Someone who taught me to never let others bring you down. People should be able to act and feel however they want without being worried that others are going to say something to try and tear them apart. Although Dorothy is the butt of most of the girls jokes (besides Rose) she never takes what they say to heart and always stays true to herself. She is caring, and although she always jokes about bringing her mother back to Shady Pines, she knows in her heart that she wouldn't be able to break her family bond. Dorothy understands the value of family, and that sometimes things have to be uncomfortable for a while in order to take care of the people we love. Her children occasionally visit, and she still tries and keeps a semi-healthy relationship with her ex-husband Stan. She is witty, strong minded and very opinionated; all traits in which I looked up to her for that. All character traits that, to this day, I respect. Girls need to realize that they can be both beautiful and intelligent and still be happy, whether they have a man or woman in their life or not. Do you people, and others will eventually follow.

3.Sophia: Growing up, I had the mother from hell. She was loud, abusive, an alcoholic and drug addict that had no concern for either her children or her husband. She was selfish and set in her ways, never taking responsibility for her actions and always the first to blame everyone else for theirs. Sophia, however, was not this mother. Watching the way Sophia allowed Dorothy to continue to grow even in her later years was heart warming and inspirational. Since I didn't really have a mother of my own, I inspired to be like Sophia one day, caring and witty. But Sophia went beyond that, she allowed Dorothy to make the mistakes that she once had to make her self so she can teach Dorothy that, once you get out to the other side, everything will be alright. Sure, Sophia's sarcastic tendencies can prove to be a bit overplayed and unnecessary at times, but that's what make her character so strong. Here is this 80 year old women, kicking back, eating cheesecake and making jokes with her daughter and her best friends. Her life is great even though her husband died years ago. She relies on herself and sometimes is stubborn about asking for help even when it's necessary, but that hyper-prideful personality is what got her where she is today. Sitting in her living room, making fun of Dorothy's height, watching Blanche come in and out of the front door, and trying to avoid making fun of anything Rose says about St. Olaf.

Rose: And then, there was rose. Rose was always my favorite character for so many reasons. Her genuine passion and optimism in life was contagious and she had a heart of gold. At the drop of a hat she would have done anything for her "sisters", not because she was trying to gain their affection, but because she knew she already had their love and wanted to reciprocate it back. Rose comes from a small town somewhere near Minnesota called St. Olaf, and her small town ties really brings out the best in her personality. She can almost relate everything back to the place where she grew up, and even though the girls get slightly hardhearted about all the St. Olaf talk, they listen to what she has to say before jumping down her throat. Rose, has always been my favorite character. I see a lot of the same characteristics in her, that I do in me, and she taught me to never try to be someone your not. I dress weird, I am quirky and loud, I talk non-stop very fast and I always wear my heart on my sleeve. I am emotional and demanding but passionate about the things I love. And if I love you, I will do anything for you. I am loyal and loving and I make sarcastic jokes all the time because sometimes that makes things easier to deal with. And that's what I see in Rose. I see Rose holding onto the idea of St. Olaf in anyway she can because she doesn't want to forget. She doesn't want to lose these wonderful memories she once had, so she brings them to the girls to pass down a bit of her childhood. She wants the girls to hold onto some of her memories because they mean so much to her that she can't help but share her time spent milking three cows and a dozen goats each night before bed. And that's why Rose is great. Because she not only loves her past and her present situation, but because she wants to combine the both of them together so she can stay living in this fantasy world. Because that's okay. Because Rose is happy.

Day 19

Last night I couldn't get to sleep because I had an excessive amount of thoughts regarding my relationship with Arty. Or, my lack of relationship. It's been eight months of me consistently asking to hang out and hook up since we broke up in September. I remember dating Brian during my teenage years and how easy that break up was for me. Five years. Five years of mental and physical abuse and when I finally got the courage to break it off with him, it was such a clean break I barely thought about it twice. With Arty, it's different. I really care about him and the fact that he doesn't use drugs can be such a positive influence in my life. Plus, we laugh together, we have fun together and most importantly, we have really great sex together. It's very hard for me to actually care about another human being so when I do find that person I care about, it's hard for me to just turn away and let them go. I wasn't the easiest girlfriend to deal with during our brief relationship and there were times when I was definitely rather demanding, but there were points where he was incredibly hard to deal with as well. However, he is unwilling to take any of that responsibility with him, while I am the one who has all this weight left on my shoulders that I am waiting to let go of. Since we have broken up it's obvious we both still care about each other considering the amount of times we are both willing to go back to each other, but in his eyes, I am still not good enough. I am still not ready to be in the type of relationship that he is looking for and the fact of the matter is, he is right. I'm not ready. If it was up to me I would see him every single day because that is how much I enjoy his company. I want to watch him play video games and talk about anime references that I will never understand. I want to fall asleep before him, only to wake up in the middle of the night as he is coming to bed. But more importantly, I miss when we say goodbye in the morning and he gives me a goodbye kiss. That's what I miss. I miss knowing that every time I say goodbye to him I get to kiss his soft lips knowing damn well that I will get to see him again soon. Over the past months of our casual hook ups those goodbye kisses don't exist. A "see ya later" or just a casual "goodbye" is all that I  get and it leaves me feeling more lonely than the nights I spend without him. And that sucks. It sucks because he hates the emotional side of my personality. He hates how much I care about him and want to be with him. He hates that I have feelings that he couldn't possibly give himself the chance to understand. Yet, the worst part is, throughout my struggle to stay sober I still hold onto this ounce of hope that when I "get better" we can be together. That in a few months, I can contact him and we can start from fresh. And that is so wrong. It is so wrong of me to think that I need to change to be with him. That at this point of my life I am not good enough for him, but in a few months, I will be. Because to tell you the truth, he isn't good enough for me. He brings out the worst in me because he forces me to maintain this premeditated distance in the relationship. He wants a serious girlfriend in the most casual way and most people can't handle that kind of paradox. People expect things from their partners but in my situation with Arty, I can't. I can't ever expect him to drop everything and be there for me because he would never do that. I can't expect him to say I love you first, because he can't. I can't hold onto the idea that maybe, just maybe one day, when I see him, he will look at me with this long, overdue stare and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am and hold me in his arms. He won't do those things. And that's why our relationship can't work at this point in time. Because I romanticize everything while he has no idea what it means to show affection. And that's fine, for him. But it's not okay for me and I shouldn't find it acceptable to want something so mediocre. But I do. I want his cold and selfish ways to be a constant in my life because he makes me happy. I can stand next to him and feel a surge of energy running through my body, causing my heart to beat faster. Some people spend their entire lives searching for someone to give them that rush. And I found him. It's just unfortunate that he doesn't feel the same way. It's unfortunate that he will always look at me as a drug addict, and even with months sober there will always be apart of him that will assume I will relapse. He thinks I am weak, and right now, I am. But that doesn't mean people can't change. That doesn't mean that I don't want to change. Life is all about overcoming the smaller battles, and currently, I am fighting a few. The last thing Arty said to me was to ask him about a relationship in 6 months. 6 long months. I wish he didn't tell me that. I wish I didn't manifest his distance into a feeling of hope. Something to look forward to. A feeling that prevents me from sleeping at night because I think about getting better so I can be with him. The only person who should matter right now is me, not some guy who thinks I can't be a normal person. Some guy who isn't willing to be with me through my struggle, because he is only happy with me when I am a perfect angel. He wants the rewards without trying to collect the points first and as unfair as that is, I still can't help myself from seeing his face before I fall asleep every night.

A Mad Decent Day

Nope, I haven't listened to Mad Decent in about three years and tonight is not the night that I am going to start back up. Today, however, was a mad decent day. Drug free and no cravings. My face is hott to the touch and slightly flushed at this point of the night, however, that just must be my bodies way of fighting off yet another infection. I listened to my parents fight all day and I watched my mom slowly and steadily continue to lose her mind, but these are the things that I can expect when I am at home. I did a few productive things today though and because of that I feel really good about myself. My dad, Uncle John and I put my room back together, so I am unpacked and know have access to not only my clothing but my bed as well. Although I just remembered that I forgot to wash my sheets today, so I will have to sleep in my brothers bed again. Oh well, that gives me something to do tomorrow. Laundry. I know these are small hurtles but doing normal things that most people have to do every single day sober is a huge accomplishment for me and I can honestly say that today I was proud of myself. I got to play with a few film cameras today and I am actually excited to take more pictures tomorrow and hopefully get my expired roll of film developed from Walgreens. It was fun getting to "test shoot" an entire roll of 24 exposures today. I live in the suburbs in a small townhouse so I had to find images that were both creative and inspiring in such a small area so the challenge kept me occupied. I am curious and hopeful that the film I used will develop and some of the shots I took will be keepers. If not, though, I bought four new rolls of 200 speed film and I know that the pictures I take with that will show up. On the drive home from Walmart today I even found open fields and abandoned cars that I cant wait to go and check out tomorrow with my camera. I also drew a small, stupid comic about the buldge in boys pants because someone on my Facebook news feed posted a video of boys in briefs shotgunning beers. It was inspirational to say the least, but not in the "I need a beer way." For the first time in a while I could romanticize drinking and not want to partake in it myself and for that I am also proud of myself. I want to get better and I want to learn self control and the only way to do that is to take my days hour by hour and not let my mind wander to drinking and or drugs. I like myself sober. I am funny. I am smart. But more importantly I am capable. I am capable of waking up in the morning at a reasonable hour and get things done before noon. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment at 3:00 PM and my goal for the morning is to work out and do my laundry. I didn't work out today and it was honestly because I didn't want to not because I didn't have time. I need to change that because as much as I want to spend my day doing things I enjoy, I also need to spend some portion of the day doing things I don't enjoy. My dad just went upstairs and yelled at my dog because he is old and he can't hold his pee and my dad just finished renovating my new room and my dog wants to mark his territory. Listening to my 14 year old dog yelp and scream because my dad was punishing him almost brought tears to my eyes but I also think its a build up of a lot of repressed emotions from today. Its hard to be around my mom and its even harder being around my dad when he reaches his breaking point and today was that day. He barely has any money and he is forced to stay in a loveless marriage to a crazy, ignorant and undeserving women. The worst part is I cant even talk to anyone about her because I told everyone that my mom died. I told everyone that my mom died because I want her to be dead. It's horrible to say that about another human being and I understand that this weight that I carry around his harmful to both my health and my recovery, but it's true. She brings no good to this world. She produces hate and emotion and abuse and hurts the people around her and everyone knows that it will be easier if she just wasn't hear anymore. But we learn from a very early age that these thoughts are negative and hurtful and that we shouldn't think them but sometimes I feel this innate surge course through my body as I try and prevent these thoughts from surfacing but no matter how hard I try I can't have them disappear. And I think it's because there is a part of me that doesn't want them to go away because I know they are true. That hurts me even more. Knowing that the person who gave birth to me will never accomplish anything in her life and she will never, ever get better until the day she dies because she does not want to. She does not see herself as a threat nor does she have the ability to look at herself and see that there are so many things wrong. She will never stop drinking and because of that she will never get better. I look at her for inspiration though because I know that I will never, ever want to become that person. And I know that I never will.

Day 18

I woke up this morning and had to take a shit. Well, I didn't technically wake up with the feeling of having to shit, but I did lay in bed for a while trying to materialize the feeling of realizing that I hadn't shit in a few days. Thinking about how much my body hates me these days makes me incredibly anxious. Mentally, I have been trying to find a fair balance between loving myself and hating myself, all while,physically, my body yearns to go back to the days where being "too sore" meant that I played long and hard outside the day before. My life is one big paradox right now and every day is a struggle to just hold it together. I sat in front of the computer this morning adjusting the layout of my new blog and I couldn't help but be reminded of the days where I sat in front of my computer screen for hours building homes for my Sims. After countless hours of picking the perfect floor tiles and googling the best money cheats, I would give up, never allowing my Sims to grow and build relationships with their neighbors and have promotions at work. I felt that feeling of lost interest this morning after I tried so desperately to find the right code to add a picture into my blogger header. To no avail I gave up and decided to eat a stack of pancakes my dad cooked for me instead, changing the channel immediately to Malcolm in the Middle as soon as I saw its contents on my TV's guide. But, this morning I didn't give up. With a full stomach I lifted myself off the couch and walked back to the idle computer screen. With a quick shift of the wrist, I moved the mouse enough to wake my computer from its somber rest and decided that today would be the day that I accomplish something that I started. And here I am now, thinking about how great it is to be home and know that if I run out of toilet paper mid-wipe, I can always count on there being extra under the sink. I am grateful that if I am hungry there will always be food in the fridge to consume and that if I feel lonely, I can lay my head next to my dog and he will silently comfort me. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I am going to, hopefully, get prescribed a drug that will save my life. A drug that, no matter how heavy a craving, it will prevent me from using Heroin. Heroin. Heroine. With the addition of one letter the word Heroin goes from a destructive presence in my life to the person I want to become. And the difference is only one letter. The difference between my day today and my day yesterday is that I am going to work harder to feel better. I am going to work out and stretch because I have to. Because I have to. I have been okay with doing the bare minimal for so long that I have literally accepted failure into my life with open arms. I am 23 years old and I can't imagine having to be this miserable for the next 50 years, which is why I am trying to get better. I am going to try and find either an NA or and AA meeting today somewhere in the area. Because I have to. I am going to put on my headphones today and bundle up and force my aching, weak body to run around my block four times. Because I have to. And then, when I have done what I wanted to accomplish today I will go into my kitchen and open up a pack of Hostess cupcakes because I am not working out to lose weight. I am working out to build self-discipline because for as long as I can remember that is not a trait that I have possessed. On the way home from New York Friday night I was explaining to my dad the problem with my brother. His heroin addiction is based so much deeper than the internal struggle of either wanting to get high, or not. Heroin has programmed his brain to believe that he truly needs it to survive because his self worth is non-existence and nothing else will ever be as important again. But his brain, just like yours and mine is a muscle that can be trained to break it's own habits with self-discipline. That's where I am at right now. I am in boot camp training for the war that is the rest of my life because I am not like the majority of America. I can not drink recreationally and I can not occasionally do drugs on the weekend. Just because I am sober at this point, doesn't mean everything is automatically okay. It means that everything is worse because for the first time in three years I am seeing the world without finger stained glasses. But that is okay. It is okay because as long as I keep trying, I will stay clean. And as long as I stay clean, everything will eventually be okay.